


afterlife

by mcmeekin



Category: Kamen Rider W (Double)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Multi, lapslock, philip is raito
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-18 18:25:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19340089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcmeekin/pseuds/mcmeekin
Summary: raito isn’t allowed to leave the house without supervision.





	afterlife

**Author's Note:**

  * For [midnightluck](https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightluck/gifts).



> hello if u hate women pls exit stage right akiko is the only bitch in my heart
> 
> prompt: “Any characters, any pairing; healing, dealing with grief, trust”
> 
> pls enjoy this hot mess express and also suspend all ur disbelief ever about how anything works :)

raito isn’t allowed to leave the house without supervision.

that’s one of the rules he was given after he acquired the ability to access the library. he doesn’t really remember a time before that, but knows there was one. he doesn’t try to remember, either, because he likes the company of the library. loneliness doesn’t find him often with the knowledge of the world in his head.

he doesn’t have _many_ rules, not really. he doesn’t have many desires, either. wandering off isn’t one of his priorities on a day to day basis. unless he has something he wants to see that looking up can’t do justice. that doesn’t happen often, but when it does, wakana is always more than happy to escort him wherever.

 

it’s wakana that first asks if he wants to see the kamen rider.

 

it’s a pretty summer day. he knows because wakana points it out, not because he noticed on his own. he glances up from his book briefly at her comment, nodding curtly before looking back down. he’s been researching a new dessert type for hours; he only agreed to come out because she promised to buy it for him.

“the rider will show up near the store that sells that,” she had told him. he really didn’t care about the kamen rider, or how wakana knew that at all. she tracks the movement of memories better than he does, though. so that must give her some insight.

anyway, all this to say he gets his dessert plus some weird new drink he’s never heard of before the dopant shows up to wreak havoc. it’s compelling to watch, in some way. raito’s never gotten to see the fruits of his labor in person. he’s never had much interest in the people who buy the things he makes.

wakana settles down at a table on the patio of the restaurant to watch the show. the civilians are all running and screaming, but wakana just puts clay doll down on the table top and gestures for raito to sit opposite her. he does, opening his book back up and starting to enjoy his food. the dopant is already boring him. he’s tested nightmare’s effects in the labs so many times that, after a moment, it’s old hat to see it in action.

the rider shows up soon, though.

“look, raito,” wakana says, gesturing to the fight taking place.

he tilts his head to look, absently sucking his drink up the straw. kamen rider skull’s technique is interesting, but not enough to hold his attention long. his mind is prone to wander. he thinks about looking up this drink later, finding out its origins. he thinks about the memory he’s working on. he thinks about how he would have kicked earlier than the rider—

his brain trips over that last thought. he frowns and sips his drink more deeply. strange. he looks back down at his research.

wakana clicks her tongue in disappointment. “over so soon. how boring.” raito glances back up to confirm it is, indeed, over. the user is lying on the ground with a shattered memory in front of them. skull hasn’t let the armor fall away yet, though.

“is he looking at us?” raito asks, his interest piqued.

“at you, i think,” wakana responds. she sounds bored, not worried like saeko would. “he sees me all the time.”

the rider stares in their direction for another few moments. raito looks back, curious as to whether he will be spoken to or not. maybe even attacked. this thought excites him slightly; he so rarely gets to use fang outside of practice fighting with wakana’s clay doll.

“boss!” comes a shout from the other side of the courtyard. a skinny boy comes running in, looking out of breath. raito’s gaze slides right off him and back to the rider.

wait.

raito tries look again, but his eyes want to stay on skull. his brow furrows.

“raito.” wakana’s voice is casual, but when he looks at her, her eyes are narrowed at the newcomer. “show’s over. we should go.” she stands abruptly, leaving her unfinished food. raito tries once more to look over at the boy, but wakana grabs his arm, hauling him out of his seat.

raito finds himself wishing he could turn around at try to look at the boy one more time.

 

he sits closest to father at dinner that night, but he just sticks his head down in his book like always and tunes out the conversation.

saeko calls his name twice before getting his attention. he looks up, but doesn’t close his book.

“this last memory took nearly a week for the rider to take down.” her tone is not impressed, per say. more curious. more probing. this is a leading question, but raito doesn’t know what answer she wants.

he blinks slowly at her. “it was always one of my favorites,” is what he settles on for a response before dropping his gaze down to his plate. wakana opens her mouth to say something, but their father speaks then.

“raito. does the rider not bother you?” raito can hear the smile in his tone.

his shoulder lifts slightly, not looking up from the food he’s moving around on his plate. “not particularly. he’s good for business.”

his father chuckles. “yes, he does drum up a particular interest in our memories.”

raito puts down his utensil, bored with the food already. “i don’t care if he keeps destroying them, as long as he keeps giving us three more customers where the one left.” he looks back to his book, trying to effectively end his participation in the conversation.

his father speaks again, though. “it’s your hard work he’s doing away with, though.”

raito doesn’t lift his eyes again. “worrying about the rider is my sister’s concern, not mine.”

he doesn’t get to see saeko narrow her eyes at him from down the table.

 

he gets to meet the boy who was with the rider a couple of weeks later when the rider breaks into the lab.

raito doesn’t let the break in interrupt his work, of course. he’s in the middle of something. besides, he can hear saeko handling it. and he has fang in his pocket if anyone—

there’s a crash on the other side of the room. raito whips around, fang already in his hand, but he doesn’t put it in his belt. the boy emerges from behind the supplies he knocked over, looking at raito warily.

something flickers, shudders, stops in raito’s chest.

the boy (man? how old is he?) opens his mouth and starts talking at full speed. “sorry for knocking that over, i think, but also not really sorry because the boss is breaking in here, and i was looking for the place memories were made, and i think i found it? this is it, right? are you making the memories? are you a tech? do you work here? do you need help? i don’t know much about the sonozakis to be honest; i’m a little new, but if they’re holding you hostage we can totally—”

“have we met?”

the boy blinks at him rapidly, his rambling cut off suddenly. “uh. definitely not. i would have remembered… you.” his eyes scan raito up and down, probably taking stock of his wardrobe choices.

raito’s chest still feels funny. his head…feels funny. like he’s been here before, but different. it’s not supposed to go this way. he frowns at the boy, shakes his head slightly trying to clear it. “i’m working. you’re interrupting.”

he keeps blinking rapidly at raito, like he can’t figure out what to make of him. “so you are a tech?”

raito definitely isn’t supposed to introduce himself.

“i’m a sonozaki. i make the memories.”

something like disgust twists its way into the boy’s face. “you what?”

“i make—”

this time he’s the one cut off, clay doll sending a blast through his door (she’ll have to pay to replace that) which hits the boy in the chest, throwing him against the wall.

raito’s body moves without his permission, running over to where the boy falls. the boy’s eyes are closed, knocked out or—

“is he dead?” saeko appears suddenly behind him. raito feels his pulse spike and refuse to go down. _danger_ , his body is telling him. _enemy_. he frowns and resists the urge to tap his chest.

he turns to her, putting fang back in his pocket finally. “what do i care?”

saeko’s monstrous form doesn’t convey emotions like her human face would, but after a beat of silence, she laughs. “no one has ever accused you of caring about anything other than your work, raito. i was just asking if i needed to finish him for you.”

“check for a pulse then. i have other things to attend to.” raito moves to walk away, but wakana intercepts, still in clay doll mode.

“father wants him taken in to question, if he’s still alive.”

and why does his heart rate kick into high gear at that?

“does he want _me_ to take him in?” raito asks coolly, sure that his expression conveys nothing.

clay doll’s face stares at him for a moment, then another. then, “i’m sure saeko and i can handle it.”

raito nods at her, turning to get back to his work. quite suddenly, there’s a muffled bang in the hallway, followed by rapidly approaching footsteps.

the rider.

raito has a moment to wonder why saeko didn’t kill him before she came over to raito, but the moment is interrupted by some sort of smoke bomb being detonated in front of him. it stings his eyes and lungs, leaving him spluttering and heaving for breath. it’s blinding and incapacitating.

when it finally clears, he realizes his sisters were similarly affected, leaving them back in human form.

and the boy is gone.

saeko orders the premises searched, but the rider and the boy are both long gone. whatever they had been there to do, they must have failed, since nothing is missing or seriously damaged. raito is left with that same feeling of wrongness in his chest. he doesn’t get any more work done that day.

\--

the rider has a daughter who lives out of town.

raito is having an idle day off, looking up whatever catches his imagination (grasshoppers, the formation of icicles, the roman calendar) when the news cuts on a segment about the rider’s latest fight. wakana changes the channel with a displeased noise.

“i could look him up, if it would help,” raito offers from the other end of the room where he’s been researching.

wakana turns to look at him. “the rider? we don’t need much help with him.” she’s dismissive, which makes raito frown. he likes looking things up for her when she asks. he wants to be helpful for her.

“it won’t take but a moment. and i’m curious about him anyway,” raito says decisively. he’s already summoning the library before she can respond again.

that’s where he finds out he has a daughter.

who is, apparently, on her way to visit. today. right now.

wakana’s face looks hesitant when he relays the information. guarded. unsure. 

“we should capture her, shouldn’t we?” raito prompts. 

“i don’t like you going out into a potential fight,” wakana says slowly, her expression still unsure.

raito laughs sharply. “a fight with a young girl? surely i can handle myself.”

she rolls her eyes. “i mean in case the rider shows up.”

raito shoves her playfully. “you never let me have any fun.”

she laughs at that. “fine, fine. we’ll go greet her when she arrives, hm? but if skull shows up, you let me handle him, okay?”

raito agrees easily.

 

they really don’t plan on a dopant showing up at the train station where the daughter is being dropped off.

wakana clicks her tongue, a ‘tsk’ of displeasure. “ruining our day out, hm?”

raito has his eyes narrowed at the train station. “the daughter should have arrived by now. she’s in there.”

(why is he worried about her?)

wakana glances at him. “you go get her. i’ll play with the rider when he shows up.” before raito can even respond, she’s summoned clay doll and running off. he chuckles to himself fondly before heading off towards the half-ruined train station. 

he summons fang once he’s inside. fang can track faster than he can, locate things he can’t. fang also makes him look scary so people get out of his way faster. convenient. 

he finds the daughter in a train tunnel, running away from the destruction. he grabs her, whirls her around to face him, and--

knows he’s seen her before, somewhere.

(her face, smiling at him over breakfast. her face, laughing on a rooftop. her face, smirking at him with a slipper held high--)

she’s screaming, here, looking at him. probably because of fang. for some reason, he pulls fang out of his belt, returns to normal.

“it’s okay,” he says, even though it’s really not. he’s supposed to be kidnapping her, right? his brain feels like molasses. 

“it is not okay!” she yells back, sounding more offended than scared. she’s trying to pull away, but his grip is vice-like on her arm. “what are you?” she asks.

“that was fang; he’s my gaia memory.”

“your what now? you have a memory?!” she sounds furious, and he feels vaguely chastised. 

“yes,” he says defensively. “i make the memories, so i made one for myself. he’s friendly, i promise.”

she looks horrified at that. “you’re the one who makes the memories! you’re a sonozaki! the museum! you’re the reason my dad has to be here, fighting! this,” she gestures around them at the broken tunnel, “is your fault. it’s your fault!” she’s pretty much screaming at him by the end. there might be tears in her eyes. it makes him feel… small. 

he opens his mouth to respond, but the ceiling above them starts falling in big chunks. he yanks her away, further down the tunnel. as he runs with her in tow, he realizes that the dopant, wakana, and the rider are approaching with their fight. the debris are getting heavier, the sounds louder. the ceiling in front of them starts cracking, so he yanks the daughter back. suddenly, a large section falls all at once. he swings her against the wall, protects her with his own body by pressing her close.

(why did he do _that_?)

the chunk doesn’t hit them, thankfully, but now he’s panicking about why he would even protect her in the first place. he pulls away from her as if he’s been burned, turns towards the open tunnel where the fight noises are coming from.

very suddenly, he wants to go back home. away from her. he doesn’t want wakana to take her.

“leave.”

his voice is low, but he’s sure she can hear him. however, she still asks, “what?” in a squawking, indignant way.

he turns away from the tunnel back to her and says more forcefully, “leave!”

she blinks in confusion once, twice, three times more before taking a step back slowly. then another. then turning and running. he watches her retreating figure until he can’t hear her footsteps echoing around him anymore.

the fang memory cuts into his palm from how tightly he’s holding it.

 

the library tells him she went back home without visiting her father at all.

 

wakana comes to his room that night. she’s quiet for a while, just sitting on his bed while he stares at the ceiling. he can still hear the daughter’s voice echoing around in his head.

“you let the daughter go.” her tone isn’t questioning, but neither is it accusing. her expression is open, maybe a touch curious.

“i let the daughter go,” he confirms. saying it out loud makes it more real, doesn’t it?

“father is going to be angry when he finds out.” her tone is curiously blank again. raito can’t read the expression on her face.

“he doesn’t need to find out,” he says carefully.

 

silence.

 

then,

 

“you’re right. he doesn’t need to find out at all.”

raito exhales.

\--

there’s a _new_ rider in town.

it’s interesting to raito, vaguely. he’s not convinced it’s worth his time to think about for more than a minute.

(so why has he been thinking about it for far longer than a minute?)

he’s been staring at the television coverage of the new rider nearly all day. well. he’s been staring at his book nearly all day. the coverage is just playing on the television in his peripheral vision. and maybe he’s looking. often.

wakana’s been taking him out more often since the incident with the rider’s (skull; he’ll have to call him skull now) daughter. he’s not sure why wakana is keeping the secret for him, but he’s grateful, especially considering he has no idea why he even let her go in the first place.

anyway, all this to say, wakana walks in to him not watching the new rider on tv, seems to assess the situation, and then says, “he’s called accel.”

“who is?” raito asks, feigning disinterest. his eyes remain on his book.

wakana tsks at him. “the new rider. on television. his name is accel. apparently he refuses to work with our original rider.” a pause, then, “do you want to go see him?”

raito looks up at that. “why would you think i want that?”

wakana lifts a shoulder daintily. her body language is relaxed, like this has no bearing on her. but her eyes are sharp, pointed. staring him down.

“just thought you might like to see a show today. that’s all.”

 

 _‘a show’_ ends up being accel handing a dopant’s ass back to them in about ten minutes flat. raito is impressed. skull always plays with his food for too long. accel cuts to the chase. raito likes his style.

wakana sighs as it ends. “ah. not exciting at all. so anticlimactic.” 

raito shrugs. “i thought it was interesting.”

“of course you did.” she’s already turning to head back down from where she perched them on the roof of a building before he can ask her what she means by that. he doesn’t want to leave yet, for some reason. wants to stay until the rider takes his armor off. wants to see the man underneath.

“raito,” wakana calls over her shoulder. a summoning. 

he falls into step with her easily, trying to put the want out of his head. 

as they approach the car, wakana pulls out her phone, squinting at something on the screen. she tsks in irritation. “ugh. they need me to re-record something at the radio.” raito wrinkles his nose in distaste. he hates the radio station. she catches the motion and sighs. “you can wait here until i’m done, if you want.” she gestures to the cafe across the street. it’s one of raito’s favorites; a bookstore cafe. he nods eagerly, and she waves him off. “it shouldn’t take more than half an hour, and i’ll be back to get you.”

he’s settled into the cafe for about a minute when he sees him.

a man dressed in red leather, hurrying down the street. a cut on his cheek in the same place accel got hit once by the--

raito is out of his seat before his thoughts even finish.

he’s not sure what possesses him to follow the man, why he feels like he’s being pulled after him. but it’s not until three streets over, when they turn down a dead-end alleyway, that raito realizes the rider knew he was being followed.

fang is in his hand before the man turns and in his belt by the time the rider is suited up and shoving him up against the wall.

raito is not a fighter. no one ever really taught him how, besides his play fighting with clay doll. but his first instinct is to slam back against the rider with his foot. it clearly startles accel, causing him to stumble for a moment, but before raito can blink he’s got him back against the wall.

raito doesn’t try to fight again.

“you must be a sonozaki,” accel says, sounding alarmingly calm for the situation. “i’ve had the pleasure of meeting one of your sisters, but not you.”

“is that your way of asking for my name?” raito throws back, his chest uncomfortably tight (from the arm keeping him up against the wall, surely).

“no,” accel says. “do you know where weather is?”

the question confuses raito. he tilts his head, thinking. _weather?_

“i’m sorry?” he asks, searching for an explanation.

the rider shoves him against the wall harder. “i asked where is he?”

“there’s no need to shout,” raito says mildly, but the rider doesn’t seem to care.

“the weather dopant. you sonozakis deal out the memories; surely you know where to find him.” the last part comes out as more of a growl. raito fights the urge to wince. 

he knows fang’s face won’t show his confusion. “i just make the memories; i don’t deal them. weather is an old memory; they were dealing it...must have been a year ago. i have no idea where any users would be.”

accel’s grip loosens a little when he says he makes the memories, maybe surprised, but raito doesn’t care why. accel starts to respond, but raito isn’t listening. he cuts him off by shoving his arms off and away before kicking the rider’s legs out from under him.

( _where did he learn that?_ he barely has time to wonder.)

in a move of what is probably stupidity, he pulls fang out of his belt, returning to himself. “i really don’t know anything besides maybe how weather works technically. i can’t help you.” his mouth moves to add “i’m sorry” to the end of the statement, but he stops himself short. why would he be sorry?

after a moment, the rider gets to his feet. takes his armor off. the man seems more remorseful now that raito looks like a human again. “listen, kid, i’m just looking for information.”

“i’m nineteen years old,” raito feels compelled to point out. “hardly a kid.”

the man stares at him for a long minute. then laughs, short and gruff. “yeah. anyway. i’m not looking to kick the shit out of some teenager today. the fight earlier wore me out. i believe you about weather. but,” his gaze gets harder, “if you really _are_ the one making these memories, next time i see you, i won’t be as lenient. you’re the cause of a world of hurt.” he pauses, softens a little. “also, stop following me.”

raito nods dumbly, watching accel brush past him. he stands there, watching him walk away until he can’t see him anymore.

wonders why his chest hurts so much and his brain keeps replaying _“you're the cause of a world of hurt"_ over and over.

miraculously, he makes it back to the cafe ten minutes before wakana comes to pick him up.

\--

the _third_ rider he might be imagining.

he’s out with saeko this time. she wanted him to come to some meeting with a funder to explain the latest memory’s properties or something. they don’t get that far. they had stopped for lunch at an outdoor cafe when a dopant attacks down the street. attacking the building the meeting was supposed to take place in.

saeko doesn’t look pleased.

“wait here,” she instructs him, pulling her phone out and heading toward the attack. and he does. he doesn’t care about the attack. he’s been doing research on a type of beetle that only mates when the light--

“philip?”

his head whips up from his book, faster than he’s ever looked up in his life.

there, standing across the street, is a pink rider.

staring right at him.

why is he staring at him?

wait, _what_ did he call him?

(why did he respond to it?)

he glances around the patio cafe before realizing that he is the only person there. everyone else ran from the attack. “i’m sorry; were you talking to me?” he calls over. the rider stares for another moment, then glances down to where the attack is, then back to raito. then he takes his armor off.

it’s a skinny, tall man with weird hair. and now he’s walking over to raito. with purpose.

“philip? it is you, right?”

he just stares at the man for a moment before his mouth remembers how to work. “no. i’m raito.”

the man stops short, a short distance from his table. the smile on his face dims a little. “oh. i’m sorry, you look just like…” he stares at raito for a moment longer, then shakes his head. “nevermind. i apologize; i must have been mistaken.”

raito’s brain feels like a loading screen, spinning spinning spinning. what did he call him, again?

“who are you?” raito asks, feeling like it’s important that he knows, suddenly.

the man’s smile gets a little brighter. “ah, i’m no one important.” the smile flickers. “just passing through.”

there’s an indistinct shout from the opposite direction from the fight, making the man look over in that direction. “lovely to meet you, raito, but i must be off now.” he tilts his head in raito’s direction before turning to leave.

“wait.” raito almost reaches out to stop him, but the man listens. turns back to him. raises an eyebrow questioningly. “what did you call me?” raito asks.

the man’s face is unreadable. “philip. i called you philip.”

raito’s head hurts.

(philip, yelled down the stairs into the garage, a little irritated.)

(philip, called over a shoulder in the kitchen, calling him to dinner.)

(philip, screeched in his ear as he’s waking up, and wow please keep it down akik--)

it all cuts off, like static on a television set. the man is still looking at him, calmly. 

“sorry,” raito (not raito) says slowly. “i don’t know what’s gotten into me. please enjoy your day.”

the man keeps smiling serenely. “you as well, raito.”

(it feels wrong, makes his skin crawl, _“choose a name--”_ )

the man is gone.

so maybe he imagined him.

(he definitely doesn’t imagine the way he nearly recoils from saeko trying to take his arm to lead him away, after the attack. how everything in him screams that she’s not to be trusted, that she’ll hurt him, that she’s taking him back--)

\--

he goes to wakana’s room that night. closes the door behind him. sits down on her bed.

looks her in the eyes.

“you know, don’t you? you know that i don’t belong here.”

wakana’s eyes are dark, unreadable.

she sighs.

then,

“i was just hoping i’d get to keep you a little bit longer.”

he’s not sure why he’s surprised by her honesty, immediately willing to talk to him. he’d been thinking all day about the way she treats him, how she acts. how she has to know. (has to know why he wants to run away from this house as fast as he can, why he wants to be halfway across the city, why he keeps remembering flashes of white boards and hats and books and soft kind smiles and lips calling him philip, philip, philip--)

“keep me?” he asks, cautiously.

she closes her eyes. smiles in a way that looks painful. “what do you remember?”

“not much,” he says, truthfully. “little snippets. enough.” he stops, thinks. “my name.”

her smile softens, but she doesn’t open her eyes. “philip.”

he swallows. “yeah.”

now, she looks at him. he’s not sure what her expression means. “my philip. i just wanted to get to be your sister for a while. that’s all.”

“i don’t… understand,” he says.

she laughs, but it doesn’t sound joyful. “truthfully, i’m not sure i really do either. but this world,” she gestures around them broadly, “exists without you and me.”

he blinks at her. “but we’re here.”

she points at him. “exactly. but not meant to be here.”

he nods slowly. “i’m… lost.”

she tilts her head a little. “our...souls, i guess, ended up here after i sacrificed myself for you. and the world rewrote itself around us being here.”

he’s very lost now.

she must see something funny in his expression because her laugh this time is genuine. “sorry, you don’t remember anything. you’re really a sonozaki, and you’re really my brother, but you’ve lived with the detective studio for a year as a kamen rider. do you remember any of that?”

he does, a little. like a glimmer of something. a kamen rider… part of--

“shotaro,” he says, his mind filling in the blanks quite suddenly. like a light being shone on cave drawing.

she nods. “shotaro. and skull’s daughter--”

“akiko,” he says, a smile blooming on his face. “she hits us. with her slipper. and she owns the place. and--” his brain is filling in too fast; he feels overwhelmed. “and terui ryu! he likes her! he helps us! he’s accel, wakana, they’re all--”

“i know,” she interrupts gently. “i know, philip.” he can’t stop smiling; his face is starting to hurt. he didn’t even realize he had grabbed wakana’s hands until she starts petting his comfortingly. his chest hurts. his face hurts. but it’s all good hurt. he _remembers_ them.

“so you remember the last fight, then…?” she sounds so gentle when she asks, like his heart doesn’t drop out of his chest when she says it.

he does. he does remember.

he stops smiling.

“is this where i ended up after that?” he asks after a moment.

she tilts her head. “sort of. after the fight, i gave up my own life to bring you back. but your soul needed to be stronger first. so here we are.”

“wakana,” he starts, ready to argue with her, but she cuts him off. 

“don’t tell me i shouldn’t have. my family is all dead anyway. yours isn’t.”

he flinches at the way she says it. “your family is here, though.” 

she shakes her head. “i can’t keep living like this, here. so when you go back, i’ll go on.”

he doesn’t know what to say to that, just searches her face for any trace of regret or hesitation. he finds none. “how do i know when i can go back?” he asks instead of fighting with her.

“now, i suppose. since you’ve remembered.”

he hesitates. “i’m not sure i want to leave you yet, though.” 

her smile cracks a little. “don’t be ridiculous. we’ve had so much time already; don’t let me hold you back. they’re all waiting for you. your family.” she doesn’t sound bitter, just sad. heavy. weighed down by a brother she doesn’t get to keep. “they need you.”

he thinks about the world he’s in now, about the shotaro he met, the akiko, the ryu. 

they would never meet here. without him.

“okay,” he says, whispers, breathes. 

wakana’s smile doesn’t waver.

“close your eyes,” she says softly. he does. nothing feels different.

 

he opens them.

 

(he’s standing on a bridge.)

 

(shouting. everyone is shouting. philip, philip, philip.)

 

(that’s _his_ name.)

\--

after, he doesn’t tell them where he went.

it’s not that he feels guilty about it, per say. just that he doesn’t want to bring it up. they don’t question that he was just hanging around, a little data boy, and neither does he.

he has other things to worry about, anyway.

the other three treat him like he’s fragile, breakable. they touch him sparingly. conversations stop when he walks into a room sometimes. they’re overly accommodating to his wants, in a way they never were before. he’s… suspicious.

he brings it up to shotaro while eating breakfast about a month after his return. shotaro has his back to him, doing dishes, when philip says, as casually as possible, “something changed with you. while i was gone.”

shotaro freezes, his back stiffening.

his voice is surprisingly level. “you were gone for a year. it’s a long time for someone to remain unchanged.”

philip frowns. “no, i said that wrong. hang on. let me think again.”

(ryu’s hand lingering on shotaro’s elbow, akiko’s smile adjusting shotaro’s hat, shotaro’s gaze lingering on them both as they leave the room.)

“the three of you. something changed with the three of you.”

shotaro turns slowly, looking at philip with an unreadable expression. that worries him; he’s always been able to read shotaro as easily as any book in the library. 

shotaro crosses his arms over his chest, a little deliberately. “we had wanted to talk to you about it together.”

“‘it’?” philip echoes.

shotaro sighs. “yes, ‘it.’ our… relationship with each other.”

philip blinks several times. their _what_? “your what?”

shotaro is visibly uncomfortable. frankly, so is philip. talking about their feelings had never been their strong suit. “our…” he seems to flail mentally for a second before blurting out, “the three of us are dating, okay?” he’s avoiding philip’s eyes as he says it.

 _shock_ isn’t quite the word philip would use to describe his emotional state currently. because he’s not necessarily surprised. he could have predicted this, maybe even before he left. that’s not the shocking part. the shocking part is--

he cuts his own line of thoughts off. down. away. “okay,” is how he responds. (is that an appropriate response?)

shotaro looks at him then, surprise written on his face. “okay?”

philip nods, taking another bite of breakfast. “okay. it’s not that surprising.”

shotaro opens and closes his mouth a few times, like a surprised fish. he finally says, slowly, “like i said, we want to talk about it with you all together, but we haven’t--”

philip stands up suddenly, not really wanting to hear about the three of them right now. “sure, shotaro. whenever you three want to talk to me about it. i’m going to look something up.”

 

they don’t get around to talking to him about it.

 

nothing much changes from how things were before, mostly. ryu sleeps over more. they’re a little more touchy. nothing philip can’t drown out. besides, those things are not for him to see or participate in. he starts going to bed earlier, leaving dinner first, getting up from movie night before everyone else. he spends a lot of time in the library, or thinking by himself.

it’s dangerous to have so much alone time.

he was lying to himself when he said he didn’t feel guilty about his time away with wakana. whenever he thinks about it, he feels tender. like someone scrubbed him for too long and now he’s rubbed raw.

(he feels the same way when he looks at shotaro. at ryu. at akiko.)

it’s not just the time away he feels guilty about, now. he can’t stop hearing the other ryu telling him about the hurt he caused. akiko telling him it’s his fault. shotaro looking at him with horror. he’s never felt so _guilty_ about making the memories before now.

 

the nightmares start about two months after his return.

 

his nights tend to go like this:

 

he falls asleep on the couch of the garage, more often than not. avoiding the bed shotaro always invited him to share. he wakes up with his throat raw and scratchy, ryu shushing him and pushing him back onto the couch. he wakes up with tears drying in his eyes and an asleep shotaro holding his hand from where he sits on the floor next to him. he wakes up with bile rising in his throat, but akiko’s already pulled him halfway into her lap, petting his hair and shushing him.

she’s the only one who asks what he dreams about. he doesn’t answer at first. the truth is it’s mostly her voice, ringing through his head. _it’s your fault_.

finally, one day, akiko tells him softly, “you scream for her a lot, you know.”

he’s doesn’t have the energy to be confused after a nightmare, but he makes a noise he guesses sounds like a question.

“wakana. you scream for her a lot.”

he doesn’t know what to say to that, so he pulls himself closer to akiko, snuggles more intensely. wishes he could stay there forever.

 

night time is the only time he lets himself be close and vulnerable with the rest of them. he spends his days the same. pulling away. pulling into himself. leaving early. declining akiko’s invitations out. avoiding eye contact. making himself invisible, so it won't hurt as much.

 

shotaro pretty much corners him one day, late into month three of his return.

he comes down to the basement while philip is (avoiding them) reading. philip calls out a greeting but offers no other conversation. shotaro doesn’t either, settling down on the couch opposite philip.

it’s quiet for long enough that philip is almost convinced that shotaro just came down to sit with him, which he used to do often. but finally, shotaro says, “if we are bothering you, i wish you would tell us.”

philip processes that for a moment, but he’s very careful to keep looking at his book. their relationship is bothering him, but not in the way shotaro is probably suggesting. “and why do you think it bothers me?" he asks carefully. "you have flirted with every female client we’ve had over the year i’ve lived here; it has never bothered me who you choose to engage yourself with.”

shotaro laughs, a little humorlessly. “ah, so that’s why you’ve been avoiding us. because you’re not bothered at all.”

the response automatically makes philip angry because of course it does. he snaps his book shut. before he can open his mouth to inevitably make shotaro more angry, the door into the garage opens. akiko sticks her head in. 

“shotaro? philip? we’re about to eat dinner.”

shotaro just keeps glaring at him, waiting for his response, but philip finds that akiko's presence drains any fight out of him. there's silence for a moment, then akiko yells down the stairs again, "are you two fighting? we have a strict no more fighting in the basement policy, philip. i'm not sure if you got the updated rules since you came back--"

"we weren't fighting, akiko," shotaro calls back (but the hurt stays in his eyes). "we were just talking."

"come do it in the daylight where people can stop you if you start throwing punches, then." akiko calls back, closing the door behind her.

they look at each other for another moment before philip shrugs. "you heard her. if you want to talk, we have to do it upstairs. it's apparently a rule."

shotaro's lip twitches like he's fighting a smile. "the rule was no _fighting_ in the basement. and who says she gets to make the rules anyway?"

philip is already moving to go upstairs. "she's your landlady."

" _our_ landlady, you freeloader," shotaro gripes, but moves to follow him anyway.

the atmosphere is better, but philip still feels an interrogation coming. as he sits down for dinner across from ryu, akiko covers his hand with hers. he almost flinches, almost pulls it back.

"philip..." she starts, maybe feeling the way he tensed up. "you can tell us if we're making you uncomfortable." she goes to withdraw her hand, but he grabs it. smiles at her, tight lipped.

"i'm fine. i just need... an adjustment period," he says, carefully.

ryu is very intently frowning at his food, arms crossed over his chest. shotaro isn't looking at him either, looking angry all over again, poking at his food aggressively.

philip frowns around the table. now he does withdraw his hand from akiko. "i'm sorry that i'm not immediately... over all this. like i said, just give me time--"

"what do you mean, 'over all this'?" ryu asks, a little sharp.

philip frowns more. "over... all of you."

the three of them stare at him.

"what?" he asks, feeling defensive.

"what is there to get over?" akiko asks gently.

philip stares at her blankly. then gestures around the table broadly. "my feelings for the three of you, obviously. i'm trying to readjust to the three of you having feelings for each other but not me."

"not you?" shotaro echoes a little hollowly.

philip shifts uncomfortably. "yes. i know i must have misread things before i...left. and even when i came back, i think i was assuming things about your feelings for me that weren't there. so i apologize. and i'm doing my best to get over it. but i just need some time and space."

it's quiet for a moment.

then,

"i told you we should talk to him together, you knucklehead." akiko is quite suddenly hitting shotaro over and over with her slipper. 

shotaro is trying to duck the blows. "ow, akiko--quit it; we need to--ow!"

ryu lets out a long sigh. "this is why we don't let hidari do any of the heavy lifting with emotions, chief."

"i'm very lost," philip offers, watching akiko continue to beat down a protesting shotaro.

"we _do_ have feelings for you. idiot," ryu offers helpfully. "we just thought you were, you know, dead. so we put them on hold for a long time. but when you came back, we agreed to _talk about it_ with you." this is directed pointedly in shotaro's direction, thought philip doubts he can hear much of anything besides akiko's screeching right now.

"oh," is all philip really has to say to that.

"yeah. 'oh,'" ryu says, a little ruefully. "i'm sure chief will give you a nice sit down about it once she's done with him, but for now, lets enjoy this lovely dinner that the two of them are missing. also stop sleeping on the couch. bed's more comfortable."

"oh," philip says again. looks down at his food. looks back at ryu, then akiko, then shotaro. "okay then."

"does this mean you'll stay for the whole movie tonight?" akiko calls from the other side of the room where she has chased shotaro. she's still not done hitting him.

philip pauses. looks around again.

smiles, big and real and genuine.

"only if i get to pick."

 

(the nightmares stop, four months after his return. maybe the bed is just too full to make room for bad dreams.)

 

(maybe his heart is just too full.)

**Author's Note:**

> yes i absolutely snuck tsukasa in there pls do not judge me for only god can
> 
> it's been like deadass four years since i last rewatched w (literally had to look up what the monsters were called), so if ur looking at anything like huh that's my bad just shhh go with it
> 
> also nobody kissed bc philip is 7 and a half years old and his eyes cannot witness unholy acts goodnight
> 
> like comment and subscribe


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